Darn Good Funnies

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1200 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?’

Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’

Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’

Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’

Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I

need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and

telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the

number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am

traveling in Australia ?’

Operator: ‘Does the product name give you a clue?’

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’

Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’

Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’

Caller: ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland ‘

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

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Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’

Customer: ‘OK.’

Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’

Customer: ‘No.’

Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’

Customer: ‘No.’

Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this

point?’

Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’

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Tech Support: ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can

you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’

Customer: ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

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Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’

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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words

went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller: ‘They disappeared’

Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing??’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I

type.’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’

Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where

the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s

plugged into the wall.

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that

there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just

one? ‘

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and

find the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into

the back of your computer.’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean

way over?’

Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s

because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark?’

Caller: ‘Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window.’

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not?’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it

licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and

packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it

up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to

the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too damned stupid to own a computer!’

Who doesn’t like Monty Python?

Some Senior personal ads in a Florida newspaper.
Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?

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FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5′4″ (used to be 5′6″), searching
for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

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SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the
silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

====================

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy.

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BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play
the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and
listen to my eight-track tapes.

=======================

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

=============================

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee,
cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Dave Chappelle’s stand-up @ Kojo’s Comedy Club

It’s funny, laugh a little… It’s not your daughter

Everything would be pretty

Car lots would be organized by color

A computer mouse would be more useful

Parking spaces would be user friendly

Speedometers would be more meaningful

Tool boxes would be more practical

Toilet seats would never be up

Toilet paper would never run out

The “Any” key would be in plain sight

Men would have to go in for their Manogram

Bob is called into the local IRS office for an audit and takes his lawyer with him.

The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it” says Bob. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Bob says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “No way! It’s a bet.”

Bob removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Bob says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Bob isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Bob removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Bob’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Bob asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Bob stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Bob’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Bob told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official’s desk and that he’d be happy about it.”